we're all in a situationship with ourselves
written may 2024, 1am. lightly cleaned up, otherwise as it came out.
the ebbs of that relationship
that sometimes feels like an unescapable phone call that lingers
creates movements that rarely announce themselves “hey! you’re feeling me!” but rather take a mask, further situationshipifying
much like the unhelpful and frequent “why didn’t u just tell me that’s what u felt?” talk with a partner
that instinctive question is doubt, sowed and watered by religious morals, society, hell even self improvement and helpful content
it’s just another MASK
an early exit for the uncomfortable driver to an emotional pitstop
simply arrive. it’s a small decision spread over how to react to spontaneous happenings of intimacy
moments meant for embrace and to accept yourself, but even more importantly your reactions, for whatever u are
within the space opening up, well deserved pushback against failures of meeting well with one’s self
new harmony and push and pull and rhythm of dancing with yourself
instead of switching to yet another worryFM radio (read: meditating on an object of emotional distress)
now reacting with new movements, complimenting the variations on the feeling with your own variations
riding the wave of novelty
experiencing yourself in novelty once again
reaction to shame and fear changes as awareness secures the freedom to “so what” them, letting go of that former self that lavished in the comfort of the backseat where it played the let’s-outthink-myself-out-of-this
with morning coming every day,
just like the brakes of shame and fear on being who you are
AND
just like simply arriving
choosing to be yourself
a distillation, same night:
as fear and shame simply arrive, I simply arrive
and my reactions former self driving by I simply arrive, saying hi
and as novelty simply arrives, so do I simply arrive